albert "We may give advice but we do not inspire conduct!" - Duc de La Rochefoucauld Francois

Hey, Albert,
A friend of mine is a professional dominatrix. Would it be cool to ask my wife to take lessons from her?
Don't you dare use my name!
Sincerely,
Herbert T. (Moose) Phineas Jr., Doghouse, Arkansas

AB: Sure! I've done it, it's great! A really positive experience for all concerned. It has done wonders for my self-esteem.

PM: Dominatrix? Dear boy, what an odd turn of phrase. I continue to enjoy the occasional game of dominoes, and I must say that I know a few tricks that will stump the average player. But lessons? My dear fellow, dominoes is a childs game, wouldn't lessons just take all the fun out of it?

Peaches'n'Herb Albert: Yeah, Phat's dead, get over it. I'm sick and tired of all this moaning about Phat! I'm twice the melodica player that that fool was! And no, you can't have my autograph. But if you don't get off my case I will give you a shiner you can show all your friends!

Alberticus: A trip around the world would be nice. I've always wanted to see Venice. Do you think I could get an extra seat for Scout? I'd hate for him to have to ride in one of those plastic cage thingys. I'm sure he wouldn't bother anyone on the plane, as long as they didn't run out of Heineken.

The following question was deemed too lurid even for Albert, so we had to replace it with a bunch of little x's

Dear Albert,
xxxxx xxx xx xxx xxxx xxxxxxx xxxx? xxxx xx x xx x xxxxx xxxxxxxxxx xxxxxx, xxx xxxxxx xxxxx xxxx? xxxxx xxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxx x xx xxx'x xxxxxxxxxxxx. xx xxx xxxxx?
Sincerely,
Dudemeister, Huntingtons, Korea

AB: Why do I always have to go first? Do you guys think I have some kind of expertise in this area? Well, ok, I guess I do, but I couldn't possibly be the only one. Oh, all right. Dudemeister, you just have to sleep on the other side for a few days, I don't think you have anything to worry about.

PM: You mean to tell me that I set down my book for this! I was reading the most fascinating Elisabethan tale of woe and triumph. You simply must cease to interupt me like this! Harumph! Well, I'm off to the drawing room to continue my reading. Will you see that Jeeves stokes the fire shortly?

Peaches'n'herb Albert: I like it. It has a nice ring to it. I'm sure it will catch on with the kids, no problem. And to think, we got in on the ground floor! I'll take 50. And if I can sell those you can put me down for 100.

Alberticus: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Huh?? Wha? Oh...Well, I've heard of much grosser things than this. This barely rates on the Grossometer. What? You mean he's not talking about chickens? I'm outta here.

Dear Albert,
I'm considering a career in cartooning. I also like meatballs somewhat. Is there anyway I can combine both of my passions into one?
Sincerely,
Toonball in Texas

AB: Well fella I think it's about time you got your priorities straightened out once and for all. I mean, meatballs so trumps cartooning its not even close! Meatballs, meatballs, meatballs. Just saying it gives me an erection!

PM: Once again brother Albert has dragged this fine venue into the gutter from its once proud position as a respected forum for the discussion of literature and the fine arts. Yes I'll have another port, but only if it has been properly aged in a petite oak cask for a minimum of ten years. Mmmmmm, no that will never do.

Phat: Hey, Hey, Huh?

Alberticus: I once had a similar problem with my dog Scout. He could never decide between chasing his tail and licking his..., well, you know. Anyway, I took him to see that movie, I think it was Something About Mary, or maybe it was Breaking Point, or It could have been Broken Arrow. You know, that Robbie Robertson is a very talented individual.

Dear Albert,
My girlfriend has this rash. Do you think it's still ok for her to pleasure my dog while I watch?
Curious in Alberta

AB: I would be very cautious at his point. Your girlfriend may have developed a rash from your dog's saliva. I would give it a few days, and then business as usual.

PM: While I agree with Albert, I am curious if you had considered allowing your girlfriend to pleasure your cat and/or ferret. The ph balance of the saliva of these two animals is considerably lower then most canines. I think this would allow for some excellent floor shows and the rest your beloved so desperatly needs.

Phat: Hey Hey Hey!

Alberticus: I once had a similar problem with my dog Scout. You might want to try some baby powder. It's always worked for me.



Dear Albert,
Phat is so gone man, I mean he's over the top! He's by far my favorite Albert of all the Alberts. What are his favorite vegetables?
Philbert in Phillodophia

AB: What kind of freaked out question is this anyway? Did Prince Marv put you up to this? Everyone knows that Phat only eats fruits and meats.

PM: I resent the implication that I have been supplying questions to this wholly independent and charitable of forums. AB you are dead! I'm getting really steamed over here! Have you entirely forgotten about my medical condition! ooohhhh!

Phat: Hey Hey Hey!

Alberticus: I once had a similar problem with my dog Scout. You see, he really dug the fruits and meats. Any time he got ahold of a vegetable, a tomato or grapefruit for example, he would do the most disgusting things with it. Proceed with caution!

Do you have a bizarre and/or made up problem you would like Alberts help with?
If so e-mail it to us at wwad@ihatealbert.com